Today, we celebrate our 300th entry!
In doing so, we’ll countdown our 10 BEST BLURBS!
(On the Xenomorphs from Alien)
Savage, ravenous creatures who hunt you down and impregnate you. Nope, not Michael Cera from Juno. These suckers are the ultimate in badass killing machines. In fact, it takes the equally badass Sigourney Weaver to merely even the playing field. On a related note, what jackass thought these would be a good addition to the The Great Movie Ride at MGM Studios? Definitely, not the maintenance workers that had to mop up the endless pools of urine on the ride’s trams.
(On Field of Dreams)
Field of Dreams is as much about the father-son relationship as it is about baseball. The film plays out like a modern day version of The Odyssey. The prize at the end of Field of Dreams though, is reconciliation and forgiveness. The film has an undeniable weight about it that many other sports movies can only contrive. In my opinion, not only is Field of Dreams the best baseball movie of all-time, but maybe best sports movie as well…
(On One Direction)
Now, I am not a fan of “boy bands.” Let’s just get that out of the way. Frankly, I was pretty unfamiliar with One Direction until I heard “Best Song Ever,” which coincidentally is not in fact the best song ever FYI. When I did, I was extremely pissed, as it seemed a total rip-off of the classic “Baba O’Riley.” So much so, that I wanted their “one” and only direction to lead straight into my outstretched fist. I’ve calmed down now, and I’ll just ridicule them on a website probably seen by none of their fans.
For those who don’t remember, Dinosaurs was a family-friendly sitcom where dinosaurs behaved like humans. The show also had a bit of an edgy environmentalist bent to it as well (keep that in mind for later). Episodes would usually consist of some combination of slap-stick humor along with a Cosby-esque lesson at the end. The finale though, was one of the most macabre things I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember the entire plot, but somehow industrialists triggered the ice age. Our last look at the Sinclair family: all of them sitting in their house, freezing to death (literally) and waiting for their demise. How messed up is that? I get that there was a “lesson” to learn, but I’d venture to guess that a majority of the show’s audience was 12 years old or younger. That’s a great way to scar a kid for life. Thanks a bunch, ABC!
(On 12 Monkeys)
Picture a giant turkey baster with a naked Bruce Willis inside. No, this not a John McClane sex tape (I think), this is the strange time machine in 12 Monkeys. Plus, it’s a really crappy time machine. Want to go back to 1996 to stop a cataclysmic virus? Well, cool your jets in World War I France for a bit first.
(On True Blood)
If a side of graphic violence or blood is what you crave, then this True Blood hangout is your destination. You can get some traditional Louisiana fare and see some vampires off each other. Kind of like Anne Rice meets Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe save the tokens for some extra garlic…
(On The Nanny)
Few things are more annoying than Fran Drescher’s screeching (not Dustin Diamond) voice on “The Nanny.” Unfortunately, the show’s theme song is even more annoying. It tells a backstory that no one cares about and does it in a bizarre syncopated manner that makes you wanna smash your surround sound. Unlike some on this list, at least it sets the tone for the mind-numbingly bad show.
(On Paula Cole)
In the 1990’s, there was this thing called Lilith Fair. It was kinda like Woodstock meets Birkenstock. In all honesty, the music festival did a lot of good through charity contributions, but we can’t let that get in the way of comedy, can we? Anyways, Paula Cole was pretty big act there, and her “I Don’t Want To Wait” was the theme song to the uber-annoying, Dawson’s Creek. Cole was pretty talented, but only topped out at two hits.
(On Dancing with Myself)
I’ve seen this one played before, and I lose it every time. Billy Idol can say what he wants, but if you read the lyrics, there’s no way this one’s not about “punching the clown.” Pulling the taffy? Greasin’ up the rusty trombone? Well, you get the message…I hope. So, the next time you see grandma and grandpa awkwardly dancing to this one, try to keep from spitting up your champagne.
(On This Is Spinal Tap)
Crystal has a very brief part in this one as a mime, but the movie is phenomenal. In fact, there are a number of awesome cameos in “This Is Spinal Tap”. Most notably, “Veggie Tales” star, Larry the Cucumber showing up in Harry Shearer’s pants during an airport security check. Hmm…